Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, November 9, 2019 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

In today’s edition of The Saturday Funnies, allow me to point out student loans for college are now $1.6 trillion (with a ‘t’) in the United States but what is mournful is the fact the life lessons once taught by the professors are missing from the curriculum. As we constantly remind our readers, these stories are actually some of the emails that arrive in my inbox each week and I enjoy giving them added life in our weekly Saturday Funnies.

First comes five important lessons that still beg to be taught to every new generation.…

1 – FIRST IMPORTANT LESSON – THE CLEANING LADY

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one: “What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50's, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely, " said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do Is smile and say "hello.."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

2 – SECOND IMPORTANT LESSON – PICKUP IN THE RAIN

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway, trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960's. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance, and put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read:

"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others." Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3 -THIRD IMPORTANT LESSON – ALWAYS REMEMBER THOSE WHO SERVE

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, A 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table by himself. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.

"Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. “Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

4 – FOURTH IMPORTANT LESSON – THE OBSTACLE IN OUR PATH

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king’s wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand! Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

5 – FIFTH IMPORTANT LESSON – GIVING WHEN IT COUNTS

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?"

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

- - -

Now you have choices. 1 Delete this email, or, 2. Forward it to other people.

I hope that you will choose No. 2 and remember, most importantly … Live with no regrets. Treat people the way you want to be treated. Work like you don't need the money, Love like you've never been hurt, and dance like you do when nobodies watching. Now, more than ever - Please... Pass It On... You never know how or when you'll be paid, but the fact you took time to send The Saturday Funnies to a pal will never be forgotten.

* * *

THIS ISN’T QUITE AS FUNNY WHEN YOU’VE ACTUALLY DONE IT

This is something that recently happened at an assisted living center. The people who live there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly, so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room but found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a heck of a time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.

She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first stair step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one side of his boxer shorts.

I am sending this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know all the facts.

* * *

HERO ALERT! THIS JUST IN FROM ABC-LOS ANGELES

Avi Gupta has always looked up to Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek, and after winning the game show's Teen Tournament this June, he knew exactly where a portion of his winnings would go. Gupta, 18, took home $100,000, and he's donating $10,314 — an homage to pi — to pancreatic cancer research. Trebek shared in March that he has stage 4 pancreatic cancer, and November is Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month. Gupta, a freshman at Columbia University, said he was "devastated" by Trebek's diagnosis and "knew that whatever I could do to help, I was going to try and do that — not just for him, but for the millions of others who suffer from cancer." Trebek is spending this month educating the public about the risks and symptoms of pancreatic cancer, and Gupta said he knows that if "anyone can beat this disease and this diagnosis, it's Alex."

* * *

THE STORY OF THE BRONZE RAT

A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat … you can keep the story".

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.

A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.

Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.

"Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story?"

"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat. (I bet you didn't see that one coming, did you?”

* * *

A LIST OF THE GREAT TRUTHS

1. “In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress” -- John Adams

2. “If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.” -- Mark Twain

3. “Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.” -- Mark Twain

4. “I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.” -- Winston Churchill

5. “A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.” -- George Bernard Shaw

6. “A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.” -- G. Gordon Liddy

7. “Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.” -- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

8. “Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.” -- Ronald Reagan (1986)

9. “I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.” – Will Rogers.

10. “If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!” -- P. J. O'Rourke

11. “No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.” -- Mark Twain (1866)

12. “Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it.” -- Anonymous

13. “The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.” -- Winston Churchill

14. “The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.” -- Mark Twain

15. “There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress.” -- Mark Twain.

16. “What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.” -- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

17. “A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.” -- Thomas Jefferson

THE FIVE BEST SENTENCES THAT ARE SAID TODAY

1. “You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.”

2. “What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.”

3. “The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.”

4. “You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.”

5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets

the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!

Can you think of a reason for not sharing this? Neither could I.

* * * 

THE VIDEO OF THE WEEK

As everyone knows, I adore comedy and my favorite of all time is Tim Conway, who starred with his best friend Harry Korman on the Carol Burnett Show very famously. Sometimes Tim would completely break from the script, leaving those with him on stage completely bewildered. Tim was a genius at making a scene so hysterically funny the others would fall to pieces in their suppressed laughter and the “Elephant Scene” is one of the all-time classics. On stage with him is Carol Burnett, who folds first, and then there is Vicki Lawrence and Dick Van Dyke. Vicki was a relative newcomer to the show and as you remember this was shown to a live audience – no tapes – Vicki became instantly famous when at the end she pines to Carol, “Are you sure that a**hole is through!” And how good is this outtake? Since 2007 YouTube has shown it 27.4 million times CLICK HERE. 

royexum@aol.com


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