Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, February 22, 2020 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Earlier this week I received an email from a wonderful lady who had read a “progress report” I had written on Sunday. It has been two months since my leg was amputated and among the small victories I celebrate in my recovery is that I can pee standing up. Her note began, “So glad to hear that you can stand to pee again!  I am 63 and still cannot do it!” She also said she wouldn’t normally share a joke she wouldn’t share with someone who had lost a limb but because she knows me well, what she shared is, hands down, my favorite joke of 2020 as we are about to head into the month of March.

As readers of The Saturday Funnies already know, we collect the jokes and funny things that come in our emails each week and present them as they are received. My disclaimer is that we do not write these but pass along those that are suitable and my adorable friend sends me this:

“A salesman went up to a farmhouse and saw a pig with three legs. He asked the farmer what happened to the pig's leg. He said, "This is a special pig. Our house caught on fire and he ran around the house squealing and woke us up. He saved my family. He is a special pig!"

The salesman asked if that is what happened to his leg he said "no".

"He really is a special pig. My grandson fell into the pond. This pig ran to the house squealing and squealing. We ran to the pond and pulled my grandson out. He saved my grandson's life. He is a special pig!"

The salesman asked again if that is what happened to his leg. He said, "No, but you don't expect us to eat a special pig like this all at once, do you?"

I pray I get to stick around like that pig!

* * *

HILLARY CLINTON IS A GUEST AT A NEW YORK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks.

"I have three questions," he says.

"First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?

"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?

"And, third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up. Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. “Around here they call me Little Johnny.”

"And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.

"I have five questions," he says.

"First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?

"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?

"Third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?

"Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

"And, fifth -- where's Kenneth?"

* * *

YOUR CHANCE TO KNOW EVERYTHING

So, you think you know everything? Then chew on some of this …

* -- A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.  

* -- A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. 

* -- A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue. 

* -- A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours. 

* -- A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. 

* -- A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. 

* -- A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. 

* -- A snail can sleep for three years. 

* -- Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.  

* -- All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. 

* -- Almonds are a member of the peach family. 

* -- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. 

* -- Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. 

* -- Butterflies taste with their feet. 

* -- Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10. 

* -- "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". 

* -- February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. 

* -- In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. 

* -- If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. 

* -- If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights. 

* -- It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.  

* -- Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

* -- Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. 

* -- No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. 

* -- On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. 

* -- Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. 

* -- Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. 

* -- Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. 

* -- "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. 

* -- The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. (NOTE: In my case, it does all the typing, which is why I refuse to be “average.”) 

* -- The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. 

* -- The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. 

* -- The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. 

* -- The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. 

* -- The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). 

* -- There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. 

* -- There are more chickens than people in the world. 

* -- There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous 

* -- There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." 

* -- There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins. 

* -- Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. 

* -- TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. 

* -- Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. 

* -- Women blink nearly twice as much as men. 

* -- Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

And there you have it. Now you know everything!

* * *

WHY SOUTHERN BOYS ARE SO SOPHISTICATED

Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each."

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, look here! We could buy gobs of these, take 'em back to Knoxville, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl, so's they don't know we is from Carolina."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ...."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll play football for Tennessee, dontcha?”

"Well ... yeah," says a surprised Bubba ... "How come you knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry cleaners."

* * *

HOW TO KEEP TED FROM SNORING

We're all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Ted, because he snored so badly. We decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so we voted to take turns.

The first guy who slept with Ted and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

We asked, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Ted snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

And again we asked, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Ted shakes the roof with his snoring. I ended up watching him all night."

The third night was Bob's turn. Bob is a tanned, older cowboy, who is a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.

We couldn't believe it. We asked, "Bob, what happened?"

He said, "Well, when we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Ted into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Ted sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom.

* * *

AN OPEN LETTER TO MRS. PELOSI (WOMAN TO WOMAN)

Mrs. Pelosi, I am speaking to you woman to woman. I don’t care about our political parties or our individual beliefs right now. I’m simply speaking to you as a woman in the year 2020.

You don’t know me, so to be fair, I’ll give you a bit of background. I am my children’s teacher. I educate their young minds every single day. I do so willingly and with a sense of responsibility unlike any other. I have been sexually assaulted twice in my life. When I was 14, a man stalked my every move for months and then broke in through my bedroom window at 3:00 a.m. When I was in my early twenties, I was assaulted by a different man while I was working at an apartment community. I’ve been ruthlessly bullied by a girl in high school who I later learned has legitimate mental health issues. I’ve had multiple doctors strongly urge me to abort my baby because there was less than a 1% chance of her surviving the next 28 weeks of the pregnancy. Her name is Grace Elizabeth. She’s 15 years old and smart as a whip. I’m a woman who cares about other women. I care.

Last night, President Trump gave the State of the Union address. You fidgeted in your seat more than my kids did in church when they were toddlers. You made smug, condescending faces and you used hand motions and little head shakes to tell “your people” when and when not to clap, when to stand, basically how to act during the entire speech.

I must tell you, Mrs. Pelosi, this is an amazing time in history for us because my girls and I are studying American government. The past semester has been rich with opportunities to watch history unfold live, not just in a textbook.

You are part of a party that claims to promote diversity and individual freedoms, yet you “direct” those around you as to when to sit, stand, clap, or show emotion. Unfortunately, you seem to have a very difficult time when someone disagrees with your opinion. You are a woman in a role of leadership and you’ve looked less like a leader than the pint-sized bully at the local preschool. You, Mrs. Pelosi, are a mean girl. I’ve dealt with enough them to know.

If you want men/the world to respect us and treats us as equals, then don't act like a deranged woman who’s in desperate need of some alone time in the bathroom to eat her hidden stash of chocolate in front of millions of people.

You didn’t use the time-honored words to introduce the president. You allowed your personal feelings to override anything that looks like what you’re paid to do. You are paid to represent the American people and to do your best while you have the position. You're not paid to have a temper tantrum upon your mini-throne.

It’s OK if you don’t feel love for the current president, but do you think that ripping up a speech that recognized and honored a baby born prematurely, a young lady receiving a big honor, a respected military man turning 100 years old, a soldier returning home, and more is the morally right thing to do? We wonder why there’s such a lack of respect for elders and authority in this country. You, ma’am, were a perfect example for the reason—you, you who are an elected “leader” of this great nation, acted like an enraged toddler whose Goldfish were taken away before you were ready. Sadly, you have repeatedly allowed the vitriol in your heart to overflow into your work.

You can rip up a copy of the president’s speech while trying to look cute and powerful to your cronies, but what worries me is that one day you’ll decide it’s time to rip up the Constitution. The 2020 election is coming up, and I pray that the people of this great land will allow you some much needed time off to get some help. Please, get some help.

Humbly, /s/ Shannon Schick

* * *

THE VIDEO OF THE WEEK

I need to tell you up front this is a political ad. It is also the first ad of its type to make a lump appear in my throat and my eyes water worse than any allergy I can remember. This tape absolutely speaks to the heart of every patriot and whether you like Donald Trump or not, know that millions have cried at the marvelous footage that depicts our history and our freedoms. How do I know, it has gone viral and I can never remember any political ad every matching it. CLICK HERE.

----

royexum@aol.com

 


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