Best Of Grizzard - Fido Fetish

  • Friday, December 8, 2023
  • Jerry Summers

Despite being threatened with a discrimination lawsuit by the “Cat Lovers Association of Catoosa County” (CACC) for writing exclusively on behalf of “Man’s Best Friend” this article will refer only to Lewis Grizzard’s (LG) comments on the type of dogs that he and the late movie star John Wayne (aka Duke Morrison) would both agree on as their favorite breeds:

“A man needs a good dog- one who’ll fetch a stick and lick his hand. Don’t forget what Bullet did for Roy Rodgers and what Tin Tin did for Sergeant Preston.

I’m not talking about those highfaluting purebreds who have been pampered by their owners and registered with the American Kennel Club. I don’t like pampered children, and I don’t like pampered dogs. I want a dog with character and personality, one who had to turn over a trash can once in a while just to keep food in his stomach. And I like a dog who knows enough about where puppies come from that he can choose his own mate and take care of business without waiting for some high-hatted human to ‘arrange’ a canine tete-a-tete for him.

Allow me to explain the types of dogs that I like and probably the kind The Duke liked too:

1) YARD DOGS-A yard dog, usually found in the rural South, is a likable sort who hangs around the back door waiting for table scraps and who crawls under trucks to get in the shade on hot days. Yard dogs are recognizable by the oil and grease on their backs and by the humble way they walk sideways toward the individual calling them.

2) HOG DOGS-These are fat little dogs who come from a union of Lord-knows-what and will eat anything that is put before them. They will lick the pan clean and beg for more. In rare cases, these dogs have been known to suck eggs. On the positive side of the ledger, such dogs make the expense of a garbage disposal unnecessary.

3) LAP DOGS-These are very loving dogs who crave attention and leap onto your lap and lick your face and shed all over the sofa. They especially enjoy lying on their backs and kicking their legs back and forth while you scratch their bellies. I had a great lap dog once. My wife used to scratch the dog's belly for hours. When I asked her to do the same for me, she called her mother and told her I was perverted.

4) A.J. FOYT DOGS These dogs enjoy standing on side of the road and racing with cars when they drive by. Every neighborhood has at least one. The problem with such dogs is that they tend to become frustrated after never being able to outrun passing cars, so the resort to gnawing the tires on your car when it's parked in the driveway. They also tend to have short life span because sooner or later they catch one of those cars.

5) Shoe DOGS-These are dogs with a shoe fetish. Leave a pair of shoes out one night and by morning they'll have them chewed back to the raw material stage. Neve take a shoe dog into a Gucci store; you could be bankrupt within minutes. Regional variations of this dog will chew eyeglasses, leather-bound books, remote control devices and Tupperware.

These “Words of Wisdom” were published in the 1985 classic “Shoot Low, Boys- They’re Riding Shetland Ponies” (Ballantine Books- New York).

(In case you have never heard of “The Duke” ask your parents/grandparents about “Sands of Iwo Jima”, “McClintock”, “True Grit”!)

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You can reach Jerry Summers at

Jerry Summers
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