Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, January 12, 2019 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum
A guy sends a note to The Saturday Funnies that reads, “We deeply regret we must inform you that due to the present government shutdown, it has been determined that at midnight Saturday we must turn off ‘the light at the end of the tunnel.'”
Oh, it’s not really that bad and a huge reason is there is no way mankind can ever stifle "The Saturday Funnies.” Admittedly, this week started out slow as the holiday season came to an end, but after a couple of days the laugh in my emails was at a record pace.
Kindly remember I do not write the Saturday Funnies, I just gather up the fun ones from anonymous sources, and what fun they are.
We love submissions from our readers and ask you always remember: “We adore funny but not filthy.”
This first one from our Catholic friends is Hall of Fame material:
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WHY CATHOLIC SCHOOLS ARE BLESSED WITH MAGNIFICENT PEOPLE WHO KNOW HOW TO TEACH!
According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done.  She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.  She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers -- And then there are educators! If Sister Mary ran for office I would vote for her!
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THE MAN WHO USED AN EXPENSIVE DIAMOND RING AS A HUNTING DECOY
A balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in California, walked into a jewelry store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.  "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "There was only $25 in your account."  "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"
REMEMBER:  Not All Seniors Are Senile…
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ONE OF MY READERS WHO HAS A WONDERFUL SENSE OF HUMOR
I get this note in my emails: “I won't bore you with the details behind my epiphany, so here it is. Tax payers should get a tax credit of .274% for each day the Gov't is shut down. If my cable service is out for more than a couple days, Comcast will issue a credit. We don't usually have to pay for other services we don't receive, so why pay taxes for the government services we are denied?
“Using an online 2017 tax calculator, a single 55 year old with an AGI of$100K would owe about $15K in taxes. Gov't was shut down 10 days in 2017, (10 X .274%) $15,000 = $40 credit
“Just thinking … “
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HERE ARE SOME GREAT EXAMPLES OF FAITH-BASED HUMOR
LOT'S  WIFE:  The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced  triumphantly, "And she turned into a telephone  pole!"
GOOD SAMARITAN: A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of  the Good Samaritan She asked the class, "If you  saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw  up."
DID NOAH FISH? A Sunday School teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" Johnny quickly reasoned: "No … How could he, with just two worms?"
HIGHER POWER: A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child  blurted out, “Aces!"
MOSES AND THE RED SEA: Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his Mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"  
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD: A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class  memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my  Shepherd … and that's all I need to know."
UNANSWERED PRAYER: The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a  moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.
BEING THANKFUL: A preacher said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable.  What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
TIME TO PRAY: A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. "Yes, sir." the boy replied.  "And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked. “"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime"  
ABOUT ‘ALL MEN’ & ‘ALL GIRLS’: When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"
Her response, "Because everybody always finishes their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
SAY A PRAYER: Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny!  Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"
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MY FAVORITE VIDEO OF THE WEEK
Every week The Saturday Funnies tries to include the best video of the week. Please feel free to nominate any great funnies you may see.
The greatest movie maker in my time is Stephen Spielberg and I am begging you, take five minutes for an insightful truth about ’We, the American People’. CLICK HERE.

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